The missing context left out of this initial post: I didn't grow up religious. Yet I was surrounded by religion. I was controlled and gaslit for most of my childhood years and I couldn't get out on my own fast enough. What I found, was an incredible company fueled from the inside out by servant leaders. I was like a kid in a candy shop for the first time. I had many moments of accountability where I was forced to grow and change. I was led by phenomenal people with golden hearts who saw something inside of me I couldn't, and still at times struggle to see. This environment built me up little by little until I couldn't handle the relationships which forced me to be small anymore. Then I got married, had children, started identifying as a "Christian". And through many numerous experiences, those structures and mindsets which saved me and raised me in my early adult years - eroded away. The abuse i'd experienced during childhood was reinforced under the name of "faith". I was taught forgiveness. Which enabled me to allow in really abusive relationships. Not because they'd changed. Not because there was any accountability. But because my heart was being pressured to forgive and forget. And I did. I truly did. For a few years...it seemed great.
I was given a powerful role model, but also taught a lot of rigidity and hate.
And yes, seeing others as less than - less chosen - less saved - is a form of hate and division.
I didn't see that initially. I wanted to be one of the chosen. I wanted that community. I wanted that faith.
But I had questions. And I saw a lot of hypocrisy. And I was judged and made to feel wrong or bad for asking what I needed to in order to understand a religion, a belief set that I simply was not taught as a child.
This again reinforced the abuse i'd endured growing up - the kind that told me my feelings were wrong and never valid, the dysfunction I could see clearly was okay - normal, even. That I was the problem and I just needed to keep myself and be quiet when I was in pain.
I was not safe to be myself, that was the message.
If I played ball, I read the book, I stuck to the shadows and kept my questions to myself - then I was loved and accepted
This was reinforced every Sunday, at every small group. We went from church to church as a family thinking we'd find one who was truly living out God's message of "love thy neighbor". But all I kept finding was... "Love thy neighbor....IF". AND "But only...." And just a lot of judgement and condemnation.
So then I spent a couple years meditating. And finally most scripture came to life. I started to hear in the Spirit. And everything took on a whole new meaning. But some didn't.
And so I started asking my questions. I had a lot of them. And again learned that the churches I'd been to and the relationships I'd formed through them was not okay with that.
But I was.
So I started reading and researching various walks of faith. I started to listen to people with different backgrounds to understand more deeply. I started to unravel the verses and beliefs that were not resonant or true to me.
And bit by bit....a pattern emerged.
Instead of division, instead of differences, I began to see similarities.
The truth I've found shows me that God sent out many messengers with the same messages. And still does to this day.
Every human being is one of them. Especially when they get out of their own way.
Some messengers teach us how to love ourselves.
Some messengers teach us how not to behave.
Some messengers teach us how to love others.
Some messengers teach us how to have hope and faith.
We stand to learn so much from each other.
And sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I see through the pain of my past and forget that we are truly, at our core, all the same.
We are all drops to a single body of ocean.
We are all branches to the same tree.
I am you and you are me.
Yet we are different.
And those differences don't make us more or less accurate or more or less saved or more or less chosen.
They make us colorful and vibrant and varied.
