today i faced a great moral dilemma. i was opening the straw to my workout smoothie, and upon final tear, the wind snatched a portion of the paper sleeve out of my hand and whipped it into the air hurling it swiftly to the ground. since jews control the weather, i knew that the moment i went to retrieve it, schlomo would instruct the wind to pick it up and move it inches from me at a time milliseconds before every grab i attempted. so i had to determine whether i would lose more aura points frantically chasing a piece of paper around the sidewalk in public, crouching and snatching the air like a cat trying to catch a snowflake. or let everyone see me litter in public. i didn’t dare look around to see who saw, because that of course would be the deadliest aura blow of them all: making a decision only after nervously checking to see if anyone saw. that is for people of the weakest of wills influenced solely by the opinions of others.
