Not so many of you know… Well, at this point none of you do, but I used to write a lot. I’m not bragging like I was writing masterpieces or anything—hell no. I’m just stating the fact that I used to use this channel as an outlet for my mental baggage. Now I spend nights doomscrolling to post—well, plan—memes for eleven hundred or so people I don’t know nor will ever meet (probably). Now that we’re done with me justifying feeding you this many letters already, I can get to the real point.
Aside from being overworked and burnt out at (still) 25, I’m doing relatively fine. You might have noticed that I don’t post as many memes as I used to. If you haven’t, never mind me then. I can’t even pinpoint it anymore, to be honest. I don’t know how I feel. Have I gotten what I had wanted for a long time? Yes. Am I happy? I don’t know. Am I sad? Sadness is more present than not. What do I want now? I don’t know, I mean it. I think I have been running from my thoughts all this time. First I thought it would give me peace of mind, but boy, am I bad at thinking. I shouldn’t have kept bottling them up because now I feel like I have a million thoughts and a billion words that I’m physically unable to convey. Though it feels great to just type out whatever I’m feeling right now.
Since my life is a mix of things—mostly shit—and I have been taking bad care of myself, I occasionally end up doing things nobody feels guilty for, yet I do feel guilty. Today it was watching a movie. I watched “The Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind” for the first time. Yes, I know. Am I stupid? Most certainly. You don’t see how? Well, am I not stupid for watching something so depressing in a state like this? In this economy?! (And yes, I had never seen it before)
I liked it, but I didn’t like the fleeting feeling it left in me. I like the vibe overall, don’t get me wrong. I love watching old movies because they are so familiar yet so strange. Like how it’s all the same all around, but so different at the same time. It feels like an invitation to a party that happened a long time ago. You can look into the past, but there’s no one left there. Doesn’t it feel sad? I wish I could go back in time. I wouldn’t change anything, nor try to invest in Bitcoin. Nope. I’d just live the rest of my life in the past, get old, and die in peace. Man, I’m so tired. Both physically and mentally.
Don’t mind my off-style rambling because I think it will stick around for a while. I’ll be posting more in text format in the future. Of course, in addition to the hourly memes (or not).
Why am I back? Well, I’ve been analyzing lately—mostly when I’m home, doomscrolling—and I remembered how some of my ex-friends used to write down their thoughts now and then. I still talk to these people at times, but, you know, I think we’ve surpassed the point where we can call each other friends. I believe friendship is like a plant that needs a lot of tending. If your relationship with the other person holds up after a while without “tending”, then I can tell you that you have pretty strong bonds. Still, bonds tend to get old and wear out over time. I think I used to collect relationships in a fit of hoarding disorder, which later on made me question some of my life decisions. Yep, I’m not perfect, but none of you are either. Anyway, now I realize that I might have overestimated the importance of some of my relationships with people. I decided it was time to let a few of those go.
Anyhow, I’m too tired to keep doing this or anything else, so I’m going to go to sleep.
#oldStyleContent
